Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Officially a Miscarriage

I called the doctor's office, as directed, in the early morning to get my lab results.  I knew the pregnancy was ending, but a tiny bit of hope kept rearing it's irritating head.  It was hard work to talk it back down over and over and over again.

The doctor's office did not call me back for hours.

In the mean time:

*We had blueberry muffins for breakfast.
*The older girls and I finished our Old Testament Study.
*H4 and I had preschool--we made a kitten out of circles.  I1 wanted to be part of things, so he climbed into my lap, grabbed glue, scissors, crayons and paper, and generally made everyone crazy.  Fortunately I'd printed the craft pattern incorrectly at first, so I had a second copy of inferior quality that made him perfectly happy.  Looks like it's time for I1 to have some pre-preschool of his own.
*A6 and I had school.  She's quite a good speller!
*I did some laundry.
*I cleaned the kitchen.
*I read some stories to I1.
*I wandered about aimlessly.
*I cried.
*I helped M11 with her math.
*I attended the temple with my husband.

And then the doctor's office called--my hCG levels are dropping, and my progesterone levels are bad, too.

The nurse offered to have me see the doctor to discuss a D&C, but I'm not ready for that.  I'm going to see if I can get my system to clean itself out on its own.

My husband is lost for how to help me.  I am lost for how to let him help me.  He offered to go buy some dinner so I didn't have to cook, but we still have to pay off our travel expenses which were higher than planned because of car trouble along the way.  We can do it, but we don't have wiggle room for dinner out.   When he said, "We'll just finish paying off the trip another month," I started crying and yelling.

"I'd rather have the trip paid off than have dinner out tonight.  I still need to buy clothes for the kids this fall, and I either have to lose 10 pounds or go buy new pants because I can't fit into any of my normal clothes right now.  I was going to shift into maternity clothes soon, but now I won't be.  I have to buy dance shoes and school books and groceries--I spend money like water!  I don't want to eat out just because I'm having a crappy day!" 

I feel really badly.

I felt badly at the time.

He walked so sadly out of the kitchen.

He's forgiven me, and I've offered a bumbling apology.

But I hate hurting him.

I just don't know what to do with all of the hurt inside of me.

2 comments:

  1. I love you. I don't know what else to say.

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  2. I'm so sorry. What a heartbreaking time for you and your family. I'll be praying for you.

    ReplyDelete