Officially a Miscarriage

I called the doctor's office, as directed, in the early morning to get my lab results.  I knew the pregnancy was ending, but a tiny bit of hope kept rearing it's irritating head.  It was hard work to talk it back down over and over and over again.

The doctor's office did not call me back for hours.

In the mean time:

*We had blueberry muffins for breakfast.
*The older girls and I finished our Old Testament Study.
*H4 and I had preschool--we made a kitten out of circles.  I1 wanted to be part of things, so he climbed into my lap, grabbed glue, scissors, crayons and paper, and generally made everyone crazy.  Fortunately I'd printed the craft pattern incorrectly at first, so I had a second copy of inferior quality that made him perfectly happy.  Looks like it's time for I1 to have some pre-preschool of his own.
*A6 and I had school.  She's quite a good speller!
*I did some laundry.
*I cleaned the kitchen.
*I read some stories to I1.
*I wandered about aimlessly.
*I cried.
*I helped M11 with her math.
*I attended the temple with my husband.

And then the doctor's office called--my hCG levels are dropping, and my progesterone levels are bad, too.

The nurse offered to have me see the doctor to discuss a D&C, but I'm not ready for that.  I'm going to see if I can get my system to clean itself out on its own.

My husband is lost for how to help me.  I am lost for how to let him help me.  He offered to go buy some dinner so I didn't have to cook, but we still have to pay off our travel expenses which were higher than planned because of car trouble along the way.  We can do it, but we don't have wiggle room for dinner out.   When he said, "We'll just finish paying off the trip another month," I started crying and yelling.

"I'd rather have the trip paid off than have dinner out tonight.  I still need to buy clothes for the kids this fall, and I either have to lose 10 pounds or go buy new pants because I can't fit into any of my normal clothes right now.  I was going to shift into maternity clothes soon, but now I won't be.  I have to buy dance shoes and school books and groceries--I spend money like water!  I don't want to eat out just because I'm having a crappy day!" 

I feel really badly.

I felt badly at the time.

He walked so sadly out of the kitchen.

He's forgiven me, and I've offered a bumbling apology.

But I hate hurting him.

I just don't know what to do with all of the hurt inside of me.

Comments

  1. WendySeptember 11, 2013 at 7:11 AM

    I love you. I don't know what else to say.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Courtney @ Ordinary Happily Ever AfterSeptember 14, 2013 at 5:17 PM

    I'm so sorry. What a heartbreaking time for you and your family. I'll be praying for you.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Anne's Day in the Life: 17, 16, 12, 10, 9, 8, 8, 7, 5, & 5

Image
This is my crew last summer--the day we said goodbye to Pixie as she headed off to college. I actually have all 12 of my children home right now. Rose Red is nearly 20, graduated from our homeschool a year and a half ago, lives at home, and is working as a server at Applebee's as she tries to understand what it means to be an adult. Pixie is newly 18, graduated from our homeschool almost a year ago, is a dance major at BYUI, and is spending her off-track semester working full-time in the 1-year-old room at a daycare. These two still are part of our family days, and their schedules directly impact the rest of us, but I am no longer responsible for their day-to-day educational needs. The remaining 10 are still under my educational supervision.  Among these 10 children we are schooling while we cope with anxiety, depression, FASD, ADHD, DMDD, ODD, ASD, PTSD, and Intellectual Disability. Here is a February Wednesday in our lives. 5:04 am :  Sir Walter Scott's a...
Read more

A Week, Briefly (Summer is not over)

Image
Last August I was not ready for school to start, but I did it anyway because I thought I should. And in September I had mental health crisis of the most serious kind. This August I am not ready for school to start. And I'm honoring that. However, I am ready to document brief moments of the beautiful learning that my kids engage in when I'm not running school. This week Rose Red is in Florida at a surfing camp.  She's with a sweet friend.  I could not be happier for her to have this experience away from home, at the beach, out-of-doors, physically active, and just plain cool. As far as I'm concerned, this is a quarter of a credit of P.E. The rest of us are at home.  My teens are reveling in their last days of bizarre teen sleeping schedules before early morning seminary begins next week. Pixie has been working on memorizing the dances she's choreographed for our dance team.  She'll be teaching the 10-12 year olds and dancing with the 12-17 year o...
Read more

I Had a Birthday

Image
 I am now 52 years old. My children are ages 9, 9, 11, 12, 12, 13, 14, 17, 20, 21, 22, 24. I have been homeschooling for over 20 years. Prior to that, I was a public school teacher (middle school English, K-3 special ed, and K-12 substitute). I find myself feeling very reflective about self, family, home, spiritual growth, marriage, goals, wishes, dreams, etc. Rather than try to put my mental ramblings into reasonable, readable sentences, I'll say this:  It's been a wild ride, and I'm grateful for the life I've lived thus far. I feel very aware of how few homeschooling years remain to me. Oh!  How I want to make them count! This week I did a rather good job at making memories with my children. The teens and I continued The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin and our American Literature text.  The best moment of the week was reading The Declaration of Independence from beginning to end.  I cried. (Just a little) The kids (I read it aloud while the younger kids w...
Read more