I Broke

 I know what the final push was that caused me to break, but I don't why.

I couldn't stop crying.

I told my kids I needed a time out to cope with big feelings.

My two biggest boys patted me on the back and told me, "It's okay, Mom.  It's going to be okay."  

Which made me cry even harder.

Their sweet kindness!

By the time I got to my room, I was sobbing and hyperventilating, so I called my mom to talk me down.

She's a family therapist, and she both listened and said all of the right things.

When we hung up, I was breathing normally and mostly composed.

I came out to find Brother cleaning the kitchen.  

He just wanted to serve, so he did.

It's kind of like whiplash--living with him. Less than a week later, he disappeared twice in one day because he was angry. (We had to call 911 for the second disappearance.)

I wonder what it is like to BE him.

Today is the first day I haven't cried for significant portions of the day.  (It's only 1:06 pm though.)

Between the sewing (I'm repenting of that choice), the costume organization, the dance rehearsals, dance performances (one done, one to go before our semester break), kid behaviors, and my own emotional breakdown, we've done very little school for a long time--like 3 weeks??? 4 weeks????

My report for the past 2 weeks:

Morning Meetings--yes

Evening reading--yes

Grammar and history for the teens--yes

Math on the computers/tablets--yes and no (some kids have done a lot, some a little, and some have avoided it entirely)

Walks--no

Nature outings--no

Science--no, except for one day when we watched 3 episodes of The Hidden Lives of Pets

History--no

Copywork--no

Drawing/art--no

Writing--no

Lunchtime reading--sort of because we've read 3 fairy tales from The Lilac Fairy Book

Church activities--yes

The teens have kept themselves very busy with their own work and projects:  

*Little Princess is halfway through her science text, and she's off at NCOA for CAP this weekend.  

*Nature Angel is finishing crochet projects at an amazing rate, and she managed to keep up guitar practice in spite of a rather badly cut finger.

The younger kids have

*read books

*played games (Monopoly, Catan, Ticket to Ride, Yahtzee, Chess, Cat Crimes)

*played a homemade variation of football

*climbed trees

*explored our woods

*made their own sandwiches

*sliced cucumbers for snacks

*done extra laundry

*built with Legos

*drawn pictures

*made lists of Pokemon characters and character traits

*played dress up

*complained of boredom and solved the problem themselves

We finished this book a couple of nights ago.  It's a strange one--glorifying the underdog by illegal action against the rich bad guy.  I'm not likely to read it again, but it sure gave us a lot to talk about.

Lola and Beowulf found a bunch of tiny carrots growing in what was supposed to be our garden.  I think they are what came of fallen seeds from last year.  They washed and ate them and fed the tops to our last few chickens.

The heat wave that followed a cold snap confused the spring flowers!

Lola's dragon

School reading

There were a few days that Brother worked on learning to juggle!

Ladybug worked so hard one day to create a function, and she did it!  This is a huge deal with amazing critical thinking for her!!

Game playing

Beowulf's teacher at church challenged the entire class to read the Book of Mormon, and Beowulf is taking that challenge seriously!

Nature Angel helped me finish up the bouquets for Wishin' and Hopin'. 
Little Princess did, too.

Our dress rehearsal was as bad as a dress rehearsal should be.  Several kids broke down in tears, and it took us 2 hours to run a 1-hour show, but at least we worked out a lot of the kinks!  I kept saying, "A bad dress rehearsal means a great opening night!"

Tired little bumblebees!

"I want a 'nack!!"  (There's no eating allowed in costumes.)

A shot of the opener in our first show

The first show went so much better than the dress rehearsal!  But it was a busy, busy time, and I hope for us to get our rhythm down so that I can take more and better pictures in the future.

I tried to call a mental health crisis line one day, but I accidentally called a resource line instead of a talk line, and the number for the talk line the guy gave me was out of order, and at that point, I gave up and ordered the kids to play outside while I cried into the sink while I did dishes.

I don't shy away from showing my emotions and modeling how to cope, but there's appropriate modeling and then there's inappropriate over-sharing.

Besides, it was time for outdoor play.  

I currently have a 2-hour minimum per day set for the kids.

I think I am mending.

I also think I need a nap.