Friday, April 3, 2015

I'm Gonna Win This Battle . . . Somehow

I have 2 sticky places on my cheeks--placed there by a mandarin-orange-eating-3-year-old who wanted to kiss me while he was eating his breakfast this morning.

On my bed lies a 2 month old roly-poly beautiful baby boy sleeping after a successful nursing session.

Two little girls are moving through their morning routines, pausing to greet me and ask me questions as they feed the guinea pig and/or pour their own milk for breakfast.

One medium-sized girl is reading on her bed.

My husband and 3 oldest are at the temple, sharing spiritual experiences of eternal importance.

It rained this morning, and the sun is coming out; the lawn and woods are an astonishing emerald green.

I have an exquisitely beautiful life.

I know this with every rational part of my mind.

But, in spite of medication, I am lost in a fog that both infuriates and frightens me.

I have questions--
Do I need a higher dose of meds?
Do I simply need exercise and better eating habits? (Without doubt, these would help, but in my current mental state I just cry when I think of the work involved in getting started.)
Should I consult a mental-health professional?
Should I confide in a trusted spiritual leader?
Should I wait it out?

I was doing quite well for a while, but then some disappointing news threw me for a loop, and I can't figure out how to rise above it and get hold of the faith that I know is somewhere within.

I am frustrated because I KNOW I am blessed; I KNOW I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who holds me firmly and lovingly even (especially) when life gets hard; I KNOW I am surrounded by daily miracles.

But instead of feeling gratitude I feel rather as if I'm missing something--as if I've been denied an invitation to a party to which everyone else has been invited.

That's a sadly self-pitying and selfish way to feel.

I prefer a state of gratitude.

How?

How do I get that back?

I have a hunch it has something to do with this idea:

"When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes."

So, I KNOW I am blessed, and I will hold to that until I feel it permeate every fiber of my being.  I have felt so before, and I will feel so again.

10 comments:

  1. Hello, I am fairly new to your blog. I remember the conference session Jeffrey R Holland spoke those prophetic words of love and counsel. I remember his voice breaking with emotion as he spoke with conviction. Do hold on to that hope and knowledge. There will be ups and downs and the deeper the down the sweeter and cherished the up. I hope knowing that there are others out here who have had or are going through similar experiences can boost your confidence(you are not alone in this) and join with you on those tough days. I appreciate your testimony as it shows so much strength and wisdom. You have a beautiful family and they need their Mama. If a little extra help from trained professionals is what gives you that boost back into the sunshine of life, go for it. Wishing you the best and praying for you success.

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    1. Thank you, Melanie. :) Elder Holland is one of my heroes. Every time he speaks my heart is lifted. I'm so looking forward to conference this weekend!

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  2. This is one of the most beautiful blog posts I have read. Thank you for sharing it. I also had a hard time after my latest was born; for the first few months I was just so sad even though I knew that I was blessed. Five months out, things are looking better, although not perfect. Thank you for your perspective. I know things will get better. You will feel like yourself again.

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    1. I'm sorry you've been having a hard time. It's so disconcerting to be both sad and happy at the same time, isn't it!? Thank you for your encouragement. :) I sincerely hope things keep getting better for you!!!

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  3. There is a time and a season. This is your season for receiving help. Go and talk to someone - a professional. You are amazing! Your family is amazing! There is no need to try and do this alone. I want to call and make the appointment myself. I am too far away. I know this is temporary. I know you have traveled this road before. I am so happy to hear little L is nursing and doing better. And sticky kisses from three year olds are the best. It is just chemicals. They are out of wack. Go and get them regulated. Have you asked SR for a blessing? I pray for you, but I will remember to be more specific and constant. Love you from oh so very far away.

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    1. You are a jewel of a friend. I just love you!

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    2. You are one of my longest friends. You probably know more about me than anyone except for Craig and some of my sisters. You are part of my family. Sometimes I am a bit obnoxious - I am glad you love me anyway.

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  4. Anne, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a trying postpartum period. I am praying for you and your family.

    Love,
    Diana

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    1. Thank you, Diana. I believe in the power of prayer, and I know you are a woman of great faith. Your prayers matter. And truly, I do know I am ever so blessed. :)

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  5. I am praying for you! It will get better!

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